TwelveThirtyFour

Gratitude, A Quick Post And A Slice Of Toast

2011-09-03T10:10:00.003+01:00

Surgery this past Monday went well. I was told that although it was a long shot I shouldn't expect any improvement for at least two weeks. Yesterday I had the packing removed permanently which resulted in zero improvement. Today is Saturday and I can hear people talking with my right ear. It's soft and faint but if the room is quiet and if Noah stands within five feet of me I can hear him. I can understand the words. I've become so used to staring at people's lips to help me understand what was being said that I couldn't grasp what was happening. I closed my eyes and made Noah repeat what he had said. He did and I heard it. The first words I've heard in almost nine months were "I fucking knew you could do it".

I'm not going to say I didn't have faith. I did but there were days, weeks even when I had just all out given up and drowned my sorrows in food but I always hung on to at least a thread of faith and hope.

This healing could continue to get better or I could experience hearing loss all over again. I get no guarantees or promises but I'm going to continue thinking only positive thoughts and continue in my belief that It/I can be fixed.

I called my sister so I could hear her voice and so that I could hear the voice of my little nephew and I gotta tell ya.... it was the most beautiful precious sound I will ever hear in my life.

I want to thank everyone for sending me their Get well wishes, positive thoughts and prayers. I believe in them all. Even remote healing and please continue to send all those good vibes. I feel them and I feel you and your good, healing intentions and the love you have for me. It has helped more than you will ever know. Being here in London (now Wandsworth) has been hard on many levels. Lipreading the British is not an easy task! My cousin has been away mostly on business in Spain but demanded that I stay in his apartment while I was having treatment. He has been incredibly kind to me but being alone has taken it's toll. I'm tired. I want to go home. I need to move out of my NYC apt and into another one. I need to sell my LA home. I know, I know... FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

I'm not complaining. Just being. Putting forth my intentions so that they can get to working because it's going to be a long road. I'll be in London for more testing next week then once I get the ok to fly and before heading back to the states I want to go back to Paris and visit my friends and attend a wedding. I also want to dance but that's another story for another time.

Thank you all for everything and lets continue to be a stand that my hearing will only get better, that my left ear will join the party and start doing it's job too and that all will be well with me and this problem will cease to be.

I love and adore you all and look forward to talking to you on the phone as soon as my hearing improves enough to do that again.

All my love and Gratitude,

Michael

Laugh, cry, eat, smile, hug someone, stomp your feet or light a match... Do anything to feel joy.

2011-08-17T16:10:00.010+01:00

I'm walking around talking to myself like a crazy person. I don't know that I'm doing it but people are quick to point it out. I'm working on being more aware that I do this so that I can stop. So, the thing that I've been saying over and over again for about a week? This one sentence:

"You are joy, looking for a way to express. It's not just that your purpose is joy, it is that YOU ARE joy"

I believe that. So I'm taking a look at how many different ways I allow myself to get into a frame of thought that is counterproductive to my just "being" joy. What keeps me from feeling joy and happiness? What forces outside of myself cause me to get off track and forget that we are magnificent creatures who are only here to love and be of service to each other? Well, truth is... for me anyway... There are no outside forces that actually put me in this less than desirable place. You've heard the saying -

"Realize that it's not about what happens to you, it's about how you react to what happens".

I am completely responsible for everything that happens to me. No bad luck, no "off" day and just recently I got that no one can actually hurt me or make me angry but instead every moment is just me choosing it and saying yes to it. Every second of every day I do this day in and day out.

I chose this journey, all of it... even going deaf at 43. I fucking chose it. There were lessons to learn and out of all those lessons the biggest one was to learn how to be happy and joyous throughout the process no matter where it takes me and no matter what the result is.

The trick is to REMEMBER that and keep saying yes to that and to keep acknowledging that truth about myself. I'm not kidding myself, I'm fully aware that I won't be able to do this all of the time. Sometimes I'm going to be hurt, frustrated and angry but I really do owe it to myself to put forth effort in this one place where I've made this incredible discovery and keep that knowing or that way of thinking... that truth alive and in the front of my head and at the tip of my tongue. I owe it to myself to talk myself into a better place. I've/we've spent so many years of our lives listening to others for validation and trying to get our sense of self worth from outside of ourselves and that's just NOT EVER possible. It's not possible because EVERYONE is doing the same struggling and searching and none of us are capable or qualified to give anyone else the measure of their self worth. It just never has and never will work that way. Oh sure, we can be commended and complimented day in and day out for years but if we don't believe it then it all means nothing. If we don't speak it for ourselves it cannot be true.

Another quote I've been mumbling to myself these past few weeks comes from Dr. Wayne Dyer -

"Be miserable or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice"

I'm rambling, I know, but I wanted to write something. I've been wanting to for a long time now but I had nothing to say. To borrow a phrase from the big O.. what I know for sure: I know that I am deeply and profoundly connected to everyone who happens to read this blog. Most of you I haven't met or even chatted with online but we are all still connected. We just are... simply because... we are all joy, pure and simple joy! and didn't you know? All joys know each other :-) and since we are all connected then anything that comes out of my head or mouth our soul belongs to you. Some part of it will ring true for you as well and that's not ME telling you anything you didn't already know... that's just me thinking out loud while a friend listens. For that I am grateful.

For that I thank you.

Update:

So the night I flew into London for surgery the riots were happening and I guess no one expected it to get as bad as it did. The clinic wasn't damaged from what I can tell but nevertheless my procedure was postponed two weeks.

I have a cousin who lives just outside Leon France so I'm staying here to kill the time. I'm alone mostly and have LOADS of time to get my thoughts together. I either lost my iphone or it was stolen so I'm borrowing a phone.

Everything is perfect! How often do you get to be in a little town in France by yourself to just "be" to just meditate? I'm blessed.

Mostly,I hope and trust that if you're reading this that you're smiling...

go ahead do it dammit!

Thanks

Be of service to each other, love each other give give give and don't worry... you don't have to save any for yourself. You'll never "run out".

Just give.

In Joy,

Michael

Out Of The Darkness:

2011-07-16T09:08:00.000+01:00

Life is supposed to be fun. You said, "I'll go forth and choose. I'll look at the data, and I'll say, yes to this, and yes to this, and yes to this, and I'll paint a picture of the things that I want, and I'll vibrate about them, because that's what I'm giving my attention to. And the Universe will respond to my vibration. And then I'll stand in a new place where a whole new batch of yeses are available, and I'll say yes to this, and yes to this, and yes to this." You did not say, "I'll go forth and struggle into joy", because from your Nonphysical Perspective you know it is vibrationally not possible. You cannot struggle to joy. Struggle and joy are not on the same channel. You joy your way to joy. You laugh your way to success. It is through your joy that good things come.

One of the first videos I linked here. How appropriate I'd have to post it again.

2011-05-17T11:05:00.000+01:00

ASL Music video "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera from D-PAN Productions on Vimeo.

I Hear You, I See You & I Give Thanks To You.

2011-05-17T10:54:00.000+01:00

Only a handful of you already know and for this I am deeply sorry. I don't want anyone to feel as if my "not sharing" this with them in any way means I value their friendship any less. Nothing could be further from the truth. Trust me... If I've shared just a laugh with you or if I've shared a cry with you... I meant it. If I told you I loved you. I meant it. I meant it with every fiber of my being.

About 3 years ago I started losing my hearing. First in my left ear and then slowly in the right ear as well. I've never played loud music through earphones or earplugs... this was genetic and inevitable in that it was going to happen to someone in my family in my generation.

So long story short (I know,too late) I've been seeing several specialists around the country and even one in Israel while I was there. I've exhausted most avenues (if that's the proper use of the term) and it all ended up with my having surgery in NYC on May 9th to replace deteriorated bones in my ears with teflon bionic parts, okay, not really bionic.

Hopes were high but the odds were stacked against me. Over the last three years I had steady hearing loss in small increments that were expected but in the last 7 months the loss became very drastic and at the time I underwent surgery for Genetic sensorineural hearing loss (SNHL) I had less that 20% hearing in both ears.

After the surgery I was told there was an unusual amount of swelling and that maybe after swelling went down more and more hearing would return. It didn't and because I am forever a man of hope and belief I still tell myself that one of these days I'll wake up and will have regained a substantial amount of hearing in one or both ears.

So, now you know the story. Well the important parts anyway. This is the reason I stopped blogging and the reason I deleted my Facebook Page and also why I've been absent lately from twitter. Most of my ties to twitter are media related in the form of people I've known for years because they are podcasters. Some of them I have even met. I know some of you may think i'm more of a shut in than I really am but I actually have met many of my online peeps. And then I ate them because I love me some peeps! sorry... couldn't resist.

Well most of you I know from listening to your podcasts or from watching your youtube channels. Without being able to hear very well It makes it hard for me to continue enjoying those mediums fully. Thank GOD, ALLAH or Hydrogen for the written word! Right now I can still listen to podcasts that are high quality audio recording and only if there is no background noise and I crank that shit UP. Also it helps if people don't talk over each other. So My lists of podcasts that I can still listen to... in a quiet room volume on high... are getting very short as my hearing gets worse. This has been hard on me. I love my podcasts. I know one day even the quiet room and blasting the volume will no longer be enough and I won't be able to do that anymore. Although I've been fitted for a few different aids unfortunately, none of them have really helped me in any way that I could notice.

All of this "stuff" is just that "stuff"... stuff to deal with and stuff to figure out. I can do that. What I'm having massive trouble with is the darkness that comes from not being able to hear. Here are my main pet peeves right now:

Walking through New York City and feeling as though I'm underwater.

Friends, family and people I don't know talking to me and when I tell them I'm deaf now, they begin to talk really slow. Perhaps that helps a drunk person but I'm sober and deaf. Soooo, not so helpful. Funny, but not at all helpful.

I'm sorry Gaga but I wasn't born this way therefore I didn't have the headstart in learning ASL (American Sign Language) so dragging me to events where I'm in a room full of deaf, ASL speaking people just makes me mad.

I'm deaf but I can speak (a bit more on that later) so If I talk to a hearing person they talk back and I'm lost. If I speak to an ASL translator he/she can translate what I said then translate the ASL response right back to me and also speak it to me....neither of which is helpful to me right now.

So I'm just in a weird place right now. Until I learn ASL I'm fucked and when I do that will only help me speak to other deaf people. What about hearing people who don't speak ASL?

I suppose I can speak one way and they can write down what they want to say to me. Yeah... that won't take forever.

Can you tell I'm in a bitter somewhat frustrated place? I ams.

I've been told that sooner or later my speaking will start to get sloppy and slurred since I can't hear myself. Great.

But for now I can still "hear" my voice in my head when I speak as this deep rumbling thing and that's enough to keep me on track.

I have to worry about my levels. Like an old person. AM I TALKING TO LOUD GERTRUDE?????!!!! Shall I bring it down a notch?

Ok, enough with the pet peeves list.... it started to scare me how long that list was getting. yikes!

There is a bright side! apparently I've have slowly and unknowingly to even myself.... been reading lips! I'm realizing it more and more and that is helpful until someone realizes I'm doing it then they get all weird and slow down like well... you know.

There have been a few conversations I got through by reading lips and the other party had no idea. That was cool. Made me forget for just moment that I'm not going to die.

Speaking of dying..... The first week home from the hospital I couldn't be left alone and especially in bed.

I'd lay in bed and there was just complete silence. Silence like I've never experienced before in my life. The complete lack of sound was painful to say the least. I felt like I was in a box buried alive. I still have to sleep with the lights on. I think it's getting better but I'm only halfway outta bed at this point.

I will tell you this, closed captioning has saved my life. I didn't think about some of the areas where my life would be affected until it was too late. I turned on the tv on day 4 after surgery and the moment I did out of habit I turned the volume up. I just sat there for about 15 seconds thinking oh shit. I then figured out how to turn on the captioning and it made all the panic go away. I could "hear" again and it was like I was connected again to the world.

So... in conclusion: Closed Captioning = GOOD STUFF

I can't find the energy to spell check this or bother with grammar and punctuation. Really.... for me.. does it even matter? uh... no. Fuck it & I'm sorry.

So there you have it ladies & gents.

I plan to twitter again soon. I've been writing again as of about 4 days ago.

Noah came to NYC when he heard I had surgery here. I woke up the 3rd day I was here and the same day I was discharged and there was Noah... staring at me from the doorway. When he realized I was awake and watching him he gave me the biggest smile I'd every seen on his face. I'm not gonna lie... I felt something in that moment. Don't say a word to him. Just friends... just friends.

Turns out Noah had been in NYC for a few days and because he still had a key he had the place cleaned and the fridge stocked with my favs. I've got club soda for days! baby.... DAYS!

He was a gentleman while he was here and slept on the couch. He stayed for 2 more days and then had to leave for LA but says he'll be back midweek. The part of me that would normally say "absolutely not, I can take care of myself" seems to have gotten the shite beaten out of him and is off in the corner licking his wounds. Instead I said thank you for everything and that I hoped he could make it back. He corrected me. "I said I'd be back mid week, that means Wednesday, I didn't say I would try to be back, I said I would be back"

Ok, I stammered.... See you Wednesday. Noah leaned in for what I thought was a hug but instead he kissed me square on the mouth and lingered. I worried about my morning breath as he lingered some more & Just long enough to make me smile.

I cannot wait for Wednesday.

I want to thank the friends who put up with my 3am texts stating that I'm on the ledge of my building and about to jump. Thank you for reminding me that The Octagon doesn't have ledges nor does it have windows that open more than a fucking inch.

Thanks for talking me down from the fridge. You read that right Fridge, not bridge. Do you think I'm crazy? Have you seen these big ass bridges over here?Thank you, Thank you.

A thousand thanks to Holly for allowing me to be in my deep dark place and for not trying to talk me out of bed or away from my peanut m&m's.

I have another appt and hearing test on Friday and hopefully I'll get the ok to fly soon after. I have to find an ASL crash course in both LA and NYC. I want to move in to a new apartment. I'm next up on the waiting list and I don't want to miss this opportunity. Living here at The Octagon has been one of the best times of my life but it's time for me to make a change and The Riverwalk is calling my name. I'll never leave Roosevelt Island. I became an adult here on this tiny strip of land and this is where Daniel & I would come to reflect away from the city & onto ourselves. I'll always feel Roosevelt Island is one of the hidden gems in NYC & yes... it is actually part of Manhattan. Lord if I had a dollar for every time....

and in closing .... again.

Thank you

Soon All I'll have left is the written word & the visual arts (unless all the podcasters I listen to want to learn ASL? or switch to closed captioned video podcasting? NO?..... no takers??? hahahaha I didn't think so.

You've done so much already. Thank so much for all the years you gave me of the gift of your voices.

I plan on writing a post devoted to thanking podcasters, so I'll leave you here with just a thank you. It's been fun. It's been my honor. You've all been my love.

All my love,

Michael Sage

One To Watch

2011-05-11T19:45:00.000+01:00

I like to believe...

2010-07-15T00:03:00.000+01:00

Sometimes when I'm up late and can't sleep (and this is often) I get frustrated (not always) but when I do it's usually because I feel like I'm wasting time. I feel as if the world is turning, spinning and wonderful people are doing amazing things and I feel left out. Sleep is a problem for me and has been for years. I go thru cycles, I guess we all do. Truth be told I NEED NEED NEED 8 hours of sleep a night. I can survive on 7 but often get 5. Anyway, when I get frustrated and in a rut I watch this video and it always puts my mind at ease. Stephen is an amazing ASL interpreter and an immensely creative person who is doing great things in life. So I just listen to the words and watch his facial expressions and in the end I'm left with the feeling that I can just relax. This song reminds me that creativity and life never stops. Not even when I can't sleep and feel drained of my own creativeness and self worth. I like to believe when I need a rest there is always someone to take over until I'm rested & ready to create, live, help, nurture & assist another day.

In short, this art makes me happy. I'm dedicating this post to my Honey Who Wears Plaid.
He and his boyfriend make me so happy... welcome back & thank you for not giving up because it killed me to think that your creative outlet/voice was silenced.

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Dear Erica... Sometimes we feel nothing but darkness but we always make our own light.

2010-07-14T21:41:00.000+01:00

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The "I" in " I will follow you" in this song is your inner strength, always there and always ready to champion your survival.
You have everything you need.

2010-07-13T07:01:00.000+01:00

I saw you at the cafe in town today. Your hairline is receding rapidly and you've gained weight as we all have. I wasn't sure at first but when I saw your eyes I knew it was you. Memories of that 4th of July night came flooding back instantly.

You later told me you had been drinking but I knew better. You were certain of what you were doing as you whispered in my ear "Can I talk to you for a second"? sure I replied wondering what was up. You walked and I followed you away from the music and the crowds. You ducked under the white lights and held them up for me to pass under too. "Where are we going"? I said tentatively as we approached the split rail fence. "Just here, let's sit on the fence... I can't hear myself think over there" you whispered.

I climbed up and sat down as you did the same and my eyes were instantly scanning the people across the lawn for a sign of Daniel. There he was... looking for me. Our eyes met and he knew it was a private conversation. Daniel tipped his head and sat down at a picnic table with his family never taking his eyes off of me. You said, " listen Michael...umm I know you're moving next month and I just wanted to thank you for being my friend when that whole mess went down, it was a great favor that you did and I didn't want you to leave without telling you that". A soft breeze rushed along the tall grass as you went silent. We sat there for awhile just watching the people. You started to say something two or three times.

Finally, I decided I would say what you could not. "Mark, you did nothing wrong. Trust me, no one knows that more than me".
More silence. " Has your dad brought it up again"? I asked, Without raising your head you informed me that your dad was watching us right now and no... he hadn't mentioned it at all. I looked up and sure enough there he was watching without looking, pretending he wasn't noticing that his boy had walked off with me to sit alone on the fence. "So, your dad is watching you and my boyfriend is watching me AND he's watching your dad watch us". We both laughed but I saw the twinge in your face when I said "boyfriend".

Listen Mark... I'm going to tell you something. Something very important. I know that you think I've got the answer... that I've got it figured out but I don't. What you need to consider is that maybe... just maybe at 17 years old MAYBE your dad isn't your biggest problem anymore. At some point you're going to have to stop being afraid of who you are and start worrying about what your father is making you become. He won't always be here and when he's gone you're gonna be left with some version of yourself that he created... that he shaped and molded.

He's just your dad Mark, his only job is to love you, that's all. If he can't do that then he's failed and that's his path. You know my mother failed me. You've seen it with your own eyes for years. She hasn't changed has she?.... silence.
Your dad, my mom... or church, they all have one thing in common. They're all trying to tell us how to live our lives and look what they've done with theirs.

We sat there in silence. Tears streaming down your face but I couldn't comfort you. "I've got to go" you gasped and threw your legs over the fence and ran home. I looked up to see your dad walking towards us and then back at you but you were gone.
Your dad's face was red and I could taste the contempt in his voice when he said "where's he going"?

I hopped off the fence and walked up to him wanting to hit him, wanting to make him feel the pain he was committed to causing you. I stepped in front of him causing him to stop. I'm not going to lie Mark, I was scared. I could see in that moment what it was like for you. I looked past your dad's massive shoulders to see Daniel running towards me and I spoke clearly and calmly. "I want you to know one thing, if your son kills himself I will make sure that everyone knows that it was your fault. I will tell everyone in this town that you broke his heart that day. I will tell everyone. I give you my word" without a word your dad walked past me and towards home. I don't know what happened that night. You didn't return my phone calls and I only saw you once before I left for California. We were at a 4 way and when the light turned green you passed me without looking my way. I remember how you kept your eyes fixed straight ahead being careful not to glance my way.

So here you are 25 years later. I wonder if you saw me. I don't think you did because you walked right behind me and I could feel your arm brush up against my back. What will you say if I see you tomorrow? What will I say, if anything. I hope you have had a good life. I hope you found love. I hope you have been happy. I know your dad died 15 or so years ago. How did it all turn out? Did he get past seeing his only son kissing another boy? Was he able to look you in the eye finally and see YOU again? I wonder if you ever told him the truth. I often wonder if I hadn't lied that day if things would have been better for you. I told your dad that I was the one kissing you because it seemed like the right thing to do but what it? Did I do you a disservice by allowing you to blame it all on me? Water under the bridge I suppose and yet I still wonder.

Maybe I'll see you before I leave.. and if I do I'm going to say hi and let you take it from there. Please don't break my heart and pretend you don't know me and even worse, please don't avoid the obvious. Surprise me.
Anything less would break my heart like your father did to you.

Tell me you've had a good life, tell me you're happy & tell me you were loved.

It's what I want to hear most old friend.

Simple lyrics... sometimes that's all we need.

2010-07-02T01:07:00.000+01:00

At 12:34 I fell in love for the 3rd time.

2010-07-01T08:41:00.000+01:00

When I was 11 years old I fell in love for the first time. Her name was Angela and she made me feel funny inside. She caused me to do stupid and embarrassing things like write "I Love Angela" with a shovel after a snowstorm on the black asphalt playground. Our class rooms were upstairs and as the kids filed in the next morning they were all abuzz over by the window. I walked over very interested in what it was all about when I saw the giant 8 foot letters staring back at me. The snow hadn't melted nor had it snowed again to cover my creation. She smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek. I was gone! I was obsessed for 1 whole year. Then middle school came and she went to one school and I another only to be reunited 3 years later in the hallway between the swimming pool and locker rooms at our high school. That's another story altogether. My 7th and 8th grade were all about the Julie... She was the complete opposite of Angela, she had blond hair and pale skin with thin lips and bright blue eyes. I loved her instantly. I loved her and followed her for 2 years but nothing more than a kiss ever happened. I often confided in her best friend as to why we ... you know.... never did "more". Margie would just hug me and tell me that "if it's meant to happen then it'll happen" Well, it never did. I left 8th grade not knowing if I'd ever see Julie again. I did... about a year later. It was nice to see her but again all I got was a kiss but this time it was because I wasn't willing to give her anymore than that. She had missed her window indeed... I guess we both had. At 15 I started a new school in a new town and met Daniel. We took an immediate liking to each other that summer. His neighborhood was overrun with party animals that were always trying to get him to participate in things that hooligans did in the mid 80's. Daniel wanted no part of it and just wanted to spend time with me. This made his other friends jealous and there were times when they confronted me and accused me of "stealing" Daniel away. How silly we are as teenagers. No violence ever came of it... I just think that because they loved him and saw that it would be very easy for me to fall in love with him too. We had only lived there about 3 months when Daniel drove up to my bedroom window on his bike and tapped on my window. I opened it and said "Hi, what's up"? Daniel stared inside my bedroom for awhile then looked at me and asked if I wanted to go to the dairy queen with him and then spend the night at his house that night. I agreed thinking we would play cards on a board game. We did not. Daniel and I watched Excalibur on cable television and when the movie was over he walked over and shut the t.v off & took my hand and led me up the narrow stairs to his bedroom. We laid on the bed and turned the lights out and talked for hours. He told me all about his angel fish that swam in the tank above us on the dresser, how he raised them, how old each one was and which was his favorite. We watched as the heater light went off and on casting their shadows on the walls and ceiling of the bedroom. Daniel rolled over and put his head on my chest and told me to look at the clock. After a long pause he said aloud "twelve thirty four, ONE TWO THREE FOUR" and pleased with himself he asked me if I thought it was cool too. I did. Mostly I thought that it was cool that he shared something so tiny and insignificant with me. How it had never occurred to me that 12:34 was 1,2,3,4 is beyond me. This 12:34 still stays with me to this day. I often just happen to look at the clock when it is exactly that time and it always makes me think of him & of us lying there on those warm summer nights in cool sheets holding each other & talking about everything...never once questioning our closeness.
It's been 27 years since that night, since our beginning, since the night I fell in love with Daniel... 27 years and I still think about him every day.

So what are the reminders that trigger a memory or smell of a loved one or a cherished time in YOUR life?

12:34 is my daily and nightly hug from beyond this place. When others point out that time to me it makes me feel so very good that I've shared and kept this memory alive. This moment in time that Daniel gave to me and that I've been able to keep with me always. What's the 12:34 in your life?

All my love,

M. Sage

Inspired by Erica Mayer

A Love Letter To You... YES, You.

2010-06-05T06:12:00.000+01:00

Listening to Joe Settineri "Back to L.A." & "Stay"
( I recommend you do too :-)

So I've stopped actively dating, or at least I thought I had. Seems as though every time I want to take a break there is always an exception that comes along. A promise to someone to meet their friend who is awesome, a chance encounter with an old friend who it turns out had been interested but they were in a relationship/married at the time or even that second or third glance from the stranger across the gallery floor. For whatever reason I usually say yes even though my heart just isn't in it. Truth be told, I've known for quite some time that this is it for me. Don't feel sorry for me because you see, I've already had a great love in my life. We met when we were barely fifteen years old. So young, so incredibly beautiful and so full of hope and wonder. We were inseparable throughout high school and when we graduated I did what I always wanted to do, I moved to L.A. My moving to L.A. was an ongoing source of conflict in our relationship. I thought that when the time came and if I stood my ground Daniel would of course end up going with me. He on the other hand thought that when the time came and if he stood his ground I would eventually just give up and stay. He was afraid of the world and didn't want to leave the comfort of the midwest and from the time I was 12 I was crawling in my skin to get out and get away. The words of his alcoholic father instilled fear and a sense of nothingness in him from an early age. On the other hand, my mother was bipolar and physically abusive to the point that the neighbors once took photos of me the day after a beating as evidence, yet no one did anything. He accepted his father's verbal abuse and his mother's passiveness but he couldn't relate to my kind of abuse. Our differences were great yet we bonded in a way that has become so much a part of me that I'm not sure where those memories end and my own will and sense of self identity begin. It really doesn't matter, I am who I am and I'm happy with who I see in the mirror. My moving to L.A. led to our first actual breakup in 4 years. During my first year in L.A. I made four trips back to see him. He started college there and I was working for a record producer here. We were officially broken up but we didn't date anyone else. Finally, in the fall of 87', on a Monday after just returning from Indiana... I got the call I didn't know I'd been waiting for. I was sitting at my desk at work and I answered the phone to hear Daniel say he was moving to L.A.

I just sat there unable to speak. I still remember my hand grasping the coffee mug which was too hot to hold but I couldn't let go. I knew my next words could make or break the deal so I just sat and thought about it. "Michael, you there"? Daniel said. "Yes, I'm here. When are you arriving"? I said with an over abundance of confidence that came from somewhere deep and foreign to me.
Daniel arrived the next weekend. At first he was content with staying in the apartment and maybe an occasional walk around Los Feliz. A night out to dinner led to him wanting to see Griffith Park, Disneyland and Hollywood Blvd. He enrolled in college that fall and my life was finally the way I thought it was always going to be. The following year we bought a house in North Hollywood, we traveled, and after countless requests that he travel with me to NYC, one day he just said yes. Daniel fell in love with NYC which I thought would never ever happen. He became fearless and outgoing and I fell in love all over again, everyday.

I wish that kind of happiness for all of you. If you have that kind of happiness and love in your life I hope that you see it and acknowledge it always. If you've been there and for some reason have lost it, know that if you want, you can have it again. I am a firm believer that there CAN be more than one true love in one's life. If that's what you want.

For me, I think I'm done. I'm married to the world now. I'm in a relationship with my friends & my family. For years after Daniel's death I thought I was broken because of what I was feeling. People often told me that I'd find somebody again and I'd always smile politely and say thanks all the while knowing that it wasn't really what I wanted or even needed. The thought of spending the rest of my life looking for the next "someone" was inconceivable to me. Their words made me feel like I should be feeling some other way. Thankfully that idea never took hold with me.

In return for their well meaning and kind words I started telling them: "If you have a partner, serve them well in this life. I did and it's the best thing I've ever done or will ever do". If I'm remembered for anything it will be those words.

Daniel went back to Indiana to attend his older sister's wedding in October of 93'. On a rural road at 2:15 in the morning near Crown Point IN he was hit and killed by a drunk driver. The driver didn't have his lights on and pulled out in front of Daniel who was traveling at 50 mph. Those kind of details stick in your mind. I don't know why exactly. I think it's because when we lose someone we want to know how it happened, what they were thinking, feeling at that exact moment so we can somehow feel as though we were with them and that they were not alone. I've convinced myself that on that pitch black night Daniel glanced down at the radio and didn't even see the car pull out in front of him. I'm certain he was listening to a beautiful song and then he was gone. Nothing else. No pain, no fear.

I couldn't get out of our house fast enough. Thankfully it was on the market for only 2 months before it sold. I rented a house in Encino and didn't bother to unpack anything. I set up the fish aquarium and that was about it. Once I got out of the house and settled in, the depression hit me like a brick wall but I never stopped thinking how lucky I was. How lucky I was to have loved so deeply and for so long. So lucky to have met someone at 15 and shared that connection for 10 years.

People can be kind and well meaning in the way that they told me to remember the good times... but I always did. They told me to cherish the love we had... and I did. To honor the love and time we had together but no one knew this more than I did. Being alone isn't so bad. I don't think we're ever REALLY alone after all. Looking back at that time in my life I can't find anything I regret. I didn't compromise my dreams and I didn't make my partner do something they didn't want to do or make them be someone they simply were not. Daniel and I both had our own journeys to take and our own schedule to keep. We arrived at our destinations on our own time, all the while loving each other unconditionally. I think our biggest lesson (and I think Daniel would agree) taken from the time we had together was that we learned how to love ourselves. To just be. Sounds simple huh? but if you think about it, our entire adolescent lives we both had a coach screaming in our ear, telling us that we weren't good enough. Telling us we were less than nothing. Showing us that we were unworthy of love from others and even ourselves. In the process of learning to love ourselves I left the only real love I had ever known and moved across the country to a place where I didn't know a single soul. I started a life that was uncertain but was lived on my terms. I did this knowing that he was always there for me if I needed him. Daniel gathered the courage to face his fears and live an extraordinary life. He made the decision to move forward in spite of the fear and in doing so he chose to love himself enough to let go of the safety net and I think in the process... he discovered he didn't need it after all. We were lucky. We learned to love OURSELVES at an early age but you should know that's it's never too late for that lesson and you're never too old. It's not that hard when you consider that we come into this world as pure and simple love. We just need to find our way back & that's the journey.

Who's knows right? I may find another great love in this life. After all, I'm not opposed to the idea. I'm just not waiting around for it to happen. Love will catch up with me and if not... if I'm moving too fast... well, maybe I'll just catch it next time around.

All MY love,

Michael

University of Oregon's "On The Rocks" sing Lady Gaga

2010-04-28T18:56:00.000+01:00

Almost A Dad...

2009-11-14T02:21:00.000Z

I had high hopes. Everything was set. The nursery in LA was completed a month before the baby was due to arrive and I even had a small bassinet for the NY apt along with the many many supplies. There was always the possibility that the birth mother could change her mind at the last minute and I knew that and accepted it. I just didn't think it would ever actually pan out that way. The final arrangement was to be an open adoption and I even met the birth mother and her parents a month ago. They were particularly interested in what I do for a living and were thrilled with the idea of the baby being raised in an environment where he would be able to experience different cultures. No one in the family had ever even been out of the country or had ever been to LA or NYC. I showed them hundreds of photos that detailed my life, my work, my house, my apartment and my extended family. I never intended for this to be an open adoption but requests and demands were made in the weeks prior to the due date and I was too far in to say no. Too committed to the idea of being a father to listen to my inner voice. Early on Nov 8th I got the call that the mother was going to be induced the following morning and that I should be there since there was no way of knowing how long or short of a labor she would experience. I flew from NY to San Francisco early on the 9th and checked into my hotel. I left for the hospital only to have to turn the cab around because I forgot my wallet and my camera. Yes, I forgot the ID and paperwork that I would need to in order to be listed as the adoptive father and guardian and yes I forgot the fucking camera. I had 4 with me in at the hotel and I walked out without any of them.

It was a long night. The baby was born at 2:01pm the following day. November 10th.
At around 3:30 while sitting in the waiting room I got a call from Joanne, the person who managed the adoption process and she informed me that she was at the hospital and was looking for me. We met and she gave me a big hug. Then she gave me the bad news. She had spent the last hour with the birth mother, her parents and the baby counseling them. She then told me that the mother had decided to keep the baby. I was stunned. Somewhere in the background Joanne was trying to soothe me by saying things like "we knew this was always a possibility" and "we agreed to these terms knowing it could turn out this way" but I really wasn't listening. I remember thinking how "we" didn't agree to anything. I had, just me and now I was the only one paying for it. I told her I needed to walk a bit and I'd be right back. I walked around outside for about twenty minutes and came back in and asked her "what now"?

She said the mother wanted to talk to me and requested that I go to her room. After another walk I agreed to it if Joanne would be there too. She said of course and we took the elevator to her floor. The longest elevator ride of my entire life. Joanne went in first then came back out for me. Big mistake. I walked into the room and saw her parents first who were smiling then as we walked around the curtain I realized she was holding the baby. I have no idea why but I never thought for a second that the baby would be in the room but there he was and he was beautiful. The birth mom whispered "Michael, I am so very sorry, but... I just can't". I put my hand up to console her and I faintly smiled.
"I understand, how could you not keep him after seeing him right? You don't have to apologize to me for feeling love for your child". we all took a second and I could see the relief in their eyes. "Look, I knew coming into this that you always had the option to change your mind at the last second right? So let's just move forward from here. I told her that it was important to me to know that her parents were going to help her and that they were fully on board with this new plan. She and they assured me that they were. Then I did what I always do. I told her If she ever needed anything for the baby that she could call me day or night and I would help her in any way that I could. She held out her hand to me and I took it and squeezed it. I was looking at a scared girl. I knew that. But I also knew I was staring at a 17 year old girl with nothing but love in her heart for this child wrapped in her arms. She asked if I wanted to hold him. I froze up for a second and said no, no thank you. I didn't think that I could do that without inflicting more pain on myself. We all stood there for about ten minutes making small talk and then I started getting antsy. I gave everyone a hug and even kissed the baby on the head and left the room. I walked past the desk and a nurse reminded me that I had left a package with them. I got it and just stood there in the hallway holding it and wondering what was the right thing to do. This gift was originally supposed to be used so that we could keep in touch and so that I could share video and photos of the baby with them. Now there was no need for that. Still, I turned around and walked back to the room and knocked on the door frame. I walked back in and said "hi, um I got this for you so that you could see the baby and I still want you to have it. So, please take it and accept it as a gift from me to you and the baby and maybe it can even help you to get your dreams off the ground. She gestured me over for another hug and I lifted the imac box up so she could see it. Her eyes lit up and she smiled and that made me happy. The new imac?!!!! the mother said. "yeah, It's just a gift" and "I have to go now"

As I walked out the door I said to the mother "you made the right decision, don't second guess yourself sweetie". You're going to be just fine.
Out in the hall I asked Joanne if we could handle the paperwork and details later because I needed to get out of the hospital. She agreed and offered to come to my hotel but I then explained that I needed to get out of San Francisco as soon as possible. She understood and I quickly left. On the way back to the hotel I called my friend and asked her to cancel the car & driver that were going to take myself,her and the baby from SF to LA the following day because newborns are not supposed to fly. Something to do with the cabin pressure and their delicate ears.

My friend said she would handle it and meet me at the hotel but I was already hailing a cab to the airport to catch the next flight to NYC. I needed to be alone and that is the only place in which I could just disappear. In Los Angeles I have so many family and friends that I would have been bombarded with caring individuals the moment I got into town and that is exactly what I didn't need at that point in my life. So my dear friends... I'm hiding out in my apt on Roosevelt Island feeling secure and processing all of my feelings and trying to make sense of it all. Mostly I'm getting overserved at the local pubs and that is definitely helping. I'm slowly coming out of my fog and things are getting clearer. I even recorded a So You Think You Can Dance Update with David That Blue Jeans Guy. Then I quickly fell back into a stupor and went to bed. I absolutely love love LOVE New York City for the way it allows me to be alone inside a sea of people. My favorite place is Bethesda Fountain in Central Park. That's my spot. That's where I go to gather my shit and get it straight. I'm there everyday at noon. Rain or shine... I'm there. I think I'm going to be ok. I know I'm going to be just fine. I've been hurt much worse than this in my life and I'm sure this won't be the last time.
It certainly wasn't the first.

I want to thank Nessa for texting me and checking in on me. She was the first person I told outside of my family. She has always been and continues to be a supportive person in my life. I also want to thank all the people who have written to me, called and texted to find out the status on the adoption. I've written this entry so that I can answer you all at once and not to have to repeat the sad story multiple times.
A special thanks to David That Blue Jeans Guy for making me laugh for 46 minutes straight after we recorded on Thurs. : -)
Thanks to all of you who are there for me in prayer, good thoughts, intentional healing and cyber hugs. You are simply the best!

Thank you

With all my love,

Michael

I get the craziest questions when I sell something on Ebay.

2009-05-03T06:16:00.000+01:00

So I got this question regarding my ebay auction. Of course this guy is a scammer and up to no good but given that the q's and a's are posted to the actual ebay auction for everyone to see ... what should be my response if any.

Well at least he made me laugh...

Q: Hi there hey guy i was wondering if you could help a poor guy out? A couple of weeks ago my house was broke into and they got me for my brand new ps3, my lap top and some other things which in all was about $5000 US dollars and i didnt have any insurance! I am on disability and dont have alot of money because i am on a budeget! So i was wondering if you would sell me one of these for $400 I only have about $450 all together to try and replace my system! Thanks Terry

4 years ago today

2009-04-23T09:49:00.000+01:00

I had been coming back from trips to all my favorite places like San Francisco, New York and Chicago and while unpacking I kept getting the feeling that something was off in the house. The air was different... the smells and the mood of the space was just not right. My home base is in Pasadena and like most of us homeowners I tend to know when something is out of place. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly but I was just sure that something or someone had been in the house. This would not be unusual given that my family and friends have keys and often come and go whenever they please but my house had always felt welcoming and this was different somehow. For about 3 months I let this nagging feeling in the back of my mind go unchecked and unanswered. Oh sure I would occasionally ask a friend if they had left a toothbrush at the house or had raided or in some cases stocked the fridge but no one ever copped to it. I didn't consider it too serious so I just let it go over time.

One night after flying from NYC to Los Angeles I was very tired and nodded off in the car. I got a phone call from my neighbor who said that someone was walking my dog off the leash and she knew I wouldn't like that. She couldn't tell me who it was because it was dark but she just thought she'd inform me because my dog had already almost got hit by a car when he got out of the yard and off leash. I thanked her and hung up and started calling the few people I knew who agreed to take shifts with my dog Max and all of them said it wasn't their day and to call Sam. So I rang Sam up and he said that he took Max out all afternoon and even back to his beach house for more than half the day. But he had dropped him off about 3 hours ago knowing that he would be fine in the house until my flight got in.

Hmmm okay thanks I said without telling him about the neighbors call. She must have just thought she saw my dog. The car pulled up to the house and Max was in the front window to greet me as usual. This made me relax and forget about what seemed more and more to me like just nonsense and a very bad case of miscommunication.
I spent 15 minutes with Max and then hit the shower. I threw my bags on the bedroom floor and stripped on the way to the bath. My big goofy dog stuck by my side down the hallway as I tried to shield my twig and berries from his massive swinging tail because he's racked me in the nuts on more that one occasion and that's a lesson you don't forget.

He laid on the floor while I showered and dried off and then together we walked into the bedroom. I found some very soft shorts to sleep in and was just dying to crawl into bed and nod off. I checked all the doors and windows and made sure Max had food and water then I hauled my tired ass back up stairs to my bedroom and turned out the light.

This was back in the day when I was addicted to ambien... and a new version I was on trial with called ambien CR. So when I was ready and ONLY when I was ready to sleep I took one of those hard ass pills and could feel myself pull away from this world.

It was about 3am when I awoke from a dream. A dream where I felt someone had crawled into bed with me and held me. My mind quickly filled in all the blank spots and created a back story of the perfect relationship. I gave myself over to that moment because it felt so fucking real. It felt really good because at that point in my life it had been a very long time since I had been held by anyone. I held on tight and remember thinking I don't want to let go. I was half awake and half asleep struggling to be one or the other. It was then that a sense of dread came over me, kind of like when you wake from a nightmare. Then I think I drifted off to sleep again just as Max woke me up with his growling. It was about 4:30 as I turned toward the clock and put my hand on the floor to quiet the dog. Then I heard a noise in the bathroom and saw that the light was on. Instantly I was wide awake and completely in panic mode, heart racing a hundred miles per hour. I got out of bed with Max in tow and walked past the bathroom door and down the stairs. I didn't look back because I didn't want to see who was there. I grabbed my cell off the kitchen counter and ran out the front door while I dialed 911. The police were there in 8 minutes flat. I flagged them down from 4-5 houses down the street. I explained that someone was in my house and although I was on sleeping pills I could swear this person crawled into bed with me at one point. I could see from their reaction that admitting I was on sleeping pills was not the smartest thing to do. They went into my house with guns drawn and after what seemed like forever they came out with a man I had never seen before. A good looking older man maybe in his mid 40's. (You have to remember I was only 36 so to me... that's was older.)

They put him in a car and then asked me if I knew him. I said I didn't and of course they didn't believe me. I saw where that conversation was going and I called my lawyer.

After days of questioning and fuzzy stories it turned out that this man we will call John Rivers had been stalking me for 14 months. He had spent nights in my LA home when I was out of town and even slept in my bed, ate my food and apparently even walked my dog.
"Mr. Rivers" became obsessed with me and my photography 14 months earlier when he attended a show in Silverlake that featured my work." He said we went on a date but we never had and at one point he told a detective that he knew I was communicating to him through my photos. I'm getting a little sick just writing this.
He had a gun in his car which was parked on the street. Police later found a knife in the kitchen that did not belong to me.
The trial went on for almost a year and when it was finally over the jury found him guilty of B&E, intent to cause bodily harm, theft,assault with a deadly weapon and a list of other things. They found things in his apartment that were straight out of a movie and some of those details I asked my lawyers to spare me. There were things I didn't need to know and was not present for at trial. In the end he got almost 6 years and was eligible for parole in 2. That parole hearing was today. I showed up not knowing how I was going to feel when I looked at Mr. Rivers in the face. I was nervous but more that that I was pissed because that morning over the phone I was informed that although we thought he was not allowed internet access the entire time he was in, he did in fact have access to the WWW 3 times a week.

I tore my agent and manager new assholes because if I had listened to them 2 years ago I would have left up my websites as well as my whole internet presence and he would have known everything I was doing including events I was scheduled to attend well in advance.

I disappeared out of fear for my life and for my family's safety and it turns out I did exactly the right thing. I trusted my instincts. Well today "Mr. Rivers" was denied parole but is eligible in another year. So today I consider a victory for myself.

This is the first time I've ever written about it... mostly because I legally couldn't but at least here I can sort of tell the story without giving away all the real details and identities. I feel better. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions feel free to comment.

Oh and in case you are wondering if I'm traumatized or if you should treat me any different now that you know this... The answer is no. My therapist and I made a decision right after it happened that I should see every single slasher/stalker movie I could get my hands on. We decided that I should immerse myself in what was then my very worst fears and meet them head on. I knew that if I didn't saturate my emotions and senses with that kind of violence then I would forever walk around being afraid of every single noise I heard... of every car that I feel has followed me for too long. I didn't want to live my life like a scared mouse. I didn't get into the specifics of knowing that this man was holding me in my own bed while I was in and out of sleep because of the ambien You cannot imagine what that has done to me but I'm getting better because that is still being dealt with in therapy.

I can get past all the other stuff he was going to do because I never saw the knife and I never saw the gun or what was in his apartment or for that matter I never really saw his face in my house. I felt his warm body against mine and was trapped there. That was the worst part of it for me. That was the worst thing he could do to me because to this day I don't know for sure if that happened or if it was a dream. To this day I'm still questioning whether or not that specific part really happened.

Thanks for reading....again.

Michael

Sometimes... people can be amazing creatures who just allow themselves to feel life.

2009-04-07T17:22:00.000+01:00

Earth Day 2009 is TODAY

2009-03-28T15:46:00.000Z

Please Participate. It really is the LEAST we could do.

It Was Friday Night

2009-03-16T09:06:00.000Z

I'm laying back and settled deep into the plush leather seats of the neon filled stretch limo. There are 12 other people invading my space here. All of them laughing, drinking and fornicating. They are over there on that side and I'm most comfortable being alone here in the back. An occasional glance and a warm smile assure them that I am still there and still having a great time. Their guilt is eased. Each time I refill my glass there is a slight uproar and a little chiding. They take turns spitting out phrases and tossing them around to assure themselves that yes they are still cool and hip and yes they are all so very beautiful and no, Michael... you are not going to die. "Drink some more red wine" they say, and I do. This makes them happy which in turn, makes me happy.
Nathan is giving Matthew the blowjob of his life and I couldn't care less. I chuckled remembering that Auntie Vera and I know how to properly use that phrase... also one of my pet peeves. Funny though, a month ago my pet peeve would have been that Nathan always angles his head in such a way that I am unable to see Matt's penis slide down his throat. That was last month. Tonight I'm on edge, wondering if a broken heart is in my cards. I'm twittering to escape. To escape from my dear dear friends who I've known for 20 years and running away and towards my internet friends whom I've never actually met. My twitter friends. The friends that don't really know me and therefore don't expect me to be perfect or the life of the party. Those friends just like me for me. I don't owe them a good time. I take photos of my friends doing what they do and how they do it. They notice but don't get angry, in fact they are really into it until they realize I only have my iphone and that the pics are going to be shitty at best. "Did you bring one of your cameras from home"? Laura says in her half drunk voice. "Uh, no Laura I didn't think about it... sorry". "WHY NOT"! "Well I didn't think carrying around a 5,000 dollar camera at the Mayan was an especially bright idea." I hear her whisper to Scott "Michael's crabby huh"?

No, I'm not crabby... I'm broken. I love you but I'm broken and I've got to fix myself.

My house is the first stop. Oh God please drop me off first. "Do you want one of us to stay with you tonight? or all of us" ? asks David.

I pause and out of courtesy I act as if I'm thinking about it. Then I gently say "No, No thanks guys. I'm feeling much better and I could use the quiet and calmness, it's been a crazy night"
David looks at me sideways and says "Ok, call ya in the morning" He kisses me on the lips and I can taste the grape vodka. I lick my lips as he walks back to the car.

I wave goodbye to the absurdly long car as I hear multiple voices yell out goodnight and sweet dreams from within. It pulls out of my driveway and enters the dark cold street as it silently speeds away.

I instantly feel relieved. I am now alone and I know the driver will get them all home safely. What I needed was alone time tonight but what I did was go clubbing until 3am in order to make my friends feel better. Feel better about me and about themselves and their own mortality.

I shower and collapse naked on the bed. I run my left hand over my damp chest and find my heart. I knock on my chest 3 times. No answer but I can feel it pulse in my fingertips. The dogs fly into the room and find their spot on the comforter. I turn up the electric blanket to 7 for them. I reach over and take a baby aspirin and a drink of water, turn out the bed lamp and stare at the ceiling.

Are you broken Michael?

Yes, Yes I am. But... I can fix this.

You Are Beautiful...

2008-12-23T12:04:00.000Z

I'd like to send out a big thank you to all the podcasters that I have listened to over the past year and also to all my twitter friends. You've made me laugh, cry, reflect, engage and sometimes you just made me angry.
Thank you for all your hard work and dedication to podcasting and online communication. Thank you for being part of my community.

To me, you are all very beautiful... in every single way.

Don't ever forget that.

With much love and thanks,
Michael Sage.

This song is dedicated to all of you and specifically to Michael Falletti for what he is personally doing for this world.

For Mary,Arthur,Big Fatty,Eric,JMH,Rob L.,Sara D., Melanie,Jerry,Patrick,Stacy,Justin,Deena,Jon,Ragan,Todd,Mike H.,Tim C.,Sara,Brook,Wes,Ryann,Wil W.,Joel L.,Daniel P., Daniel B., Luke,Wanda,Kandi,Mandi,Robert,Kim,Nick T., John O.,Michael C, Kevin B,Diane, Ricky,Tom,Mark,Tim,Anthony,Ramble,Archerr,Anthony,Troy,Taber,Will R.,Derek,Nessa,Christian,Brian,Dave M. David,Scott,Luciana,Chip,Jonathan,Lauren,Danielphillip,Sandy,Noah,Patrick,Toby,Becca N.,Vera,Ryan, Jason,Walter,Holly and many many many many many many many more.

December is finally here.... and I'm getting that Chrismas feeling!

2008-12-06T09:36:00.000Z

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T16:47:00.000Z

So, it's my first Thanksgiving as a vegetarian. A year ago I would have thought this next to impossible to pull off and yet here I am. December 1st will be three months since I cut out the meat. It was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. I think if I had to cook for a family it would have been a whole different story. I'm sure the reason it's so easy is because I eat out a lot and by the time I had to cook for myself the thought of eating meat completely grossed me out and somewhere along the way it became a non issue. I'm not sure where the switch took place but it did and that's a relief because I hate having to plan and think about meals. FEED me and let's call it a day dammit!

I just read what I just wrote and I seriously need some sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

2008-11-10T09:46:00.000Z

So much joy sprang to life so quickly! So much hope and so very much love returned the very second the polls closed in California. We settled into bed late that night because this was THE occasion to celebrate! We could rely on the morning coffee to wake us with it's familiar smell. But we didn't wake up to the aroma of coffee grounds, no, a day later we are waking up to hate. Hate unlike we have ever seen. Hatred from the young and old and hatred from the educated and high school drop outs. Hate from the Christians and Hate from the Mormons that came in the form of advertising money. Hate has no bounderies. Hate feeds off our uncertainty.

Oh sure.... law suits will be filed and sooner or way later there will be action that moves the glbt community towards their goal of equality. But I honestly don't think the community is going to wait around this time. I can see it in their faces as they march the streets. I have heard it in their voices as they chant loud enough to drown out the opposition. I think we are about to raise Stonewall again but this time it will be stronger, faster, more organized and backed by some of the best legal teams in the world. We will learn from the Stonewall Drag Queens and take their lead and get what everyone else would have us wait years for NOW.

We will demand action and equality NOW.

YES WE DID!

2008-11-05T08:24:00.001Z

I cried today so hard. Not since my father died when I was ten have I cried this much... and a COMPLETELY different kind of tears they were!!!!!

2008-10-23T22:02:00.000+01:00

The powerful words of this song helped me "let go" of all the pain my mother caused me. It was so bad that I knew at age 12 I was moving to NYC or L.A. as soon as I could drive or get an I.D. My grandfather passed that spring in April and my grandmother left for mexico on Sept 12th... I packed my beat up first car and left Sept 22nd in the middle of the night.
I left Indiana when I was 17 and drove to L.A. and have never looked back. It was the most important and correct decision I have made in my entire life.

Things are better with my mother in that I feel nothing for her. No love, no hate no anger. Just pity. She's afraid of all her kids who she hasn't seen in years. I'm the only one who even emails with her and occasionally talks to her on the phone. She is terrified of us but insists she misses us very much. I believe her, I do, I just don't think she knows what real love is. I am not surprised she's afraid of her kids. She's afraid of us because she doesn't know us. She sees 3 very strong kids who grew up with nothing all living productive happy lives in Los Angeles and New York City and just the very thought of a big city scares the hell out of her. She lives 30 miles from Chicago and has maybe been there twice to go to a funeral or ? I was sneaking out of my bedroom window at 13 and catching the train to the city and spending all night there running with the local vibrant art community. It was there that I learned that how we lived wasn't normal after all. Pain wasn't a mandatory thing. There was love in the world and I was lovable and worthy of happiness.

Growing up we were always told how if she could do it over again she wouldn't have had us kids. Between the physical and verbal beatings it was made abundantly clear to us kids that we were only in the way. That we ruined her life. I don't think it's her fault that she turned out this way but she's 62 now and still acts as if there is nothing to apologize for. She's going to die alone and for that I feel compassion but I cannot have her or that family in my life on a regular basis. They need to stay 2100 miles away from me for the most part. They are a black pool of abuse, drugs and oh so much alcohol. Even my fathers side of the family had alcohol problems. My father drank himself to death when he was only 32 and I was 10 and for years I was convinced that I wouldn't live past my 32nd birthday. His father did the same and died at 44. Although I've never had a drinking problem it would have been so very easy for me to do so. I do drink occasionally and only socially. I feel that it's important for me to know that about myself. To remind me that I'm always at choice. Always at choice in my own life.

I had a scheduled trip to Indiana slated for this Oct to see my Grandmother who is getting older but I will have to postpone that trip now. I got a call from my mother and she asked if I was still coming to see her this month. Somehow this trip to see her mother turned into a trip for me to see HER. That's what she does... that's what they do. She's only seen me twice in 15 years and yet still within a minute of talking she will be talking about herself and only herself. It's the same with a phone call and with an in person meeting.

Wow this was supposed to be just a song post butI just kept on writing. ugh.

still.... she steals time from me even in my recovery from my relationship with her.

Enough.

enjoy,
Michael

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken
I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

There's nothing left to try
There's no more places left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye