Almost A Dad...

I had high hopes. Everything was set. The nursery in LA was completed a month before the baby was due to arrive and I even had a small bassinet for the NY apt along with the many many supplies. There was always the possibility that the birth mother could change her mind at the last minute and I knew that and accepted it. I just didn't think it would ever actually pan out that way. The final arrangement was to be an open adoption and I even met the birth mother and her parents a month ago. They were particularly interested in what I do for a living and were thrilled with the idea of the baby being raised in an environment where he would be able to experience different cultures. No one in the family had ever even been out of the country or had ever been to LA or NYC. I showed them hundreds of photos that detailed my life, my work, my house, my apartment and my extended family. I never intended for this to be an open adoption but requests and demands were made in the weeks prior to the due date and I was too far in to say no. Too committed to the idea of being a father to listen to my inner voice. Early on Nov 8th I got the call that the mother was going to be induced the following morning and that I should be there since there was no way of knowing how long or short of a labor she would experience. I flew from NY to San Francisco early on the 9th and checked into my hotel. I left for the hospital only to have to turn the cab around because I forgot my wallet and my camera. Yes, I forgot the ID and paperwork that I would need to in order to be listed as the adoptive father and guardian and yes I forgot the fucking camera. I had 4 with me in at the hotel and I walked out without any of them.

It was a long night. The baby was born at 2:01pm the following day. November 10th.
At around 3:30 while sitting in the waiting room I got a call from Joanne, the person who managed the adoption process and she informed me that she was at the hospital and was looking for me. We met and she gave me a big hug. Then she gave me the bad news. She had spent the last hour with the birth mother, her parents and the baby counseling them. She then told me that the mother had decided to keep the baby. I was stunned. Somewhere in the background Joanne was trying to soothe me by saying things like "we knew this was always a possibility" and "we agreed to these terms knowing it could turn out this way" but I really wasn't listening. I remember thinking how "we" didn't agree to anything. I had, just me and now I was the only one paying for it. I told her I needed to walk a bit and I'd be right back. I walked around outside for about twenty minutes and came back in and asked her "what now"?

She said the mother wanted to talk to me and requested that I go to her room. After another walk I agreed to it if Joanne would be there too. She said of course and we took the elevator to her floor. The longest elevator ride of my entire life. Joanne went in first then came back out for me. Big mistake. I walked into the room and saw her parents first who were smiling then as we walked around the curtain I realized she was holding the baby. I have no idea why but I never thought for a second that the baby would be in the room but there he was and he was beautiful. The birth mom whispered "Michael, I am so very sorry, but... I just can't". I put my hand up to console her and I faintly smiled.
"I understand, how could you not keep him after seeing him right? You don't have to apologize to me for feeling love for your child". we all took a second and I could see the relief in their eyes. "Look, I knew coming into this that you always had the option to change your mind at the last second right? So let's just move forward from here. I told her that it was important to me to know that her parents were going to help her and that they were fully on board with this new plan. She and they assured me that they were. Then I did what I always do. I told her If she ever needed anything for the baby that she could call me day or night and I would help her in any way that I could. She held out her hand to me and I took it and squeezed it. I was looking at a scared girl. I knew that. But I also knew I was staring at a 17 year old girl with nothing but love in her heart for this child wrapped in her arms. She asked if I wanted to hold him. I froze up for a second and said no, no thank you. I didn't think that I could do that without inflicting more pain on myself. We all stood there for about ten minutes making small talk and then I started getting antsy. I gave everyone a hug and even kissed the baby on the head and left the room. I walked past the desk and a nurse reminded me that I had left a package with them. I got it and just stood there in the hallway holding it and wondering what was the right thing to do. This gift was originally supposed to be used so that we could keep in touch and so that I could share video and photos of the baby with them. Now there was no need for that. Still, I turned around and walked back to the room and knocked on the door frame. I walked back in and said "hi, um I got this for you so that you could see the baby and I still want you to have it. So, please take it and accept it as a gift from me to you and the baby and maybe it can even help you to get your dreams off the ground. She gestured me over for another hug and I lifted the imac box up so she could see it. Her eyes lit up and she smiled and that made me happy. The new imac?!!!! the mother said. "yeah, It's just a gift" and "I have to go now"

As I walked out the door I said to the mother "you made the right decision, don't second guess yourself sweetie". You're going to be just fine.
Out in the hall I asked Joanne if we could handle the paperwork and details later because I needed to get out of the hospital. She agreed and offered to come to my hotel but I then explained that I needed to get out of San Francisco as soon as possible. She understood and I quickly left. On the way back to the hotel I called my friend and asked her to cancel the car & driver that were going to take myself,her and the baby from SF to LA the following day because newborns are not supposed to fly. Something to do with the cabin pressure and their delicate ears.

My friend said she would handle it and meet me at the hotel but I was already hailing a cab to the airport to catch the next flight to NYC. I needed to be alone and that is the only place in which I could just disappear. In Los Angeles I have so many family and friends that I would have been bombarded with caring individuals the moment I got into town and that is exactly what I didn't need at that point in my life. So my dear friends... I'm hiding out in my apt on Roosevelt Island feeling secure and processing all of my feelings and trying to make sense of it all. Mostly I'm getting overserved at the local pubs and that is definitely helping. I'm slowly coming out of my fog and things are getting clearer. I even recorded a So You Think You Can Dance Update with David That Blue Jeans Guy. Then I quickly fell back into a stupor and went to bed. I absolutely love love LOVE New York City for the way it allows me to be alone inside a sea of people. My favorite place is Bethesda Fountain in Central Park. That's my spot. That's where I go to gather my shit and get it straight. I'm there everyday at noon. Rain or shine... I'm there. I think I'm going to be ok. I know I'm going to be just fine. I've been hurt much worse than this in my life and I'm sure this won't be the last time.
It certainly wasn't the first.

I want to thank Nessa for texting me and checking in on me. She was the first person I told outside of my family. She has always been and continues to be a supportive person in my life. I also want to thank all the people who have written to me, called and texted to find out the status on the adoption. I've written this entry so that I can answer you all at once and not to have to repeat the sad story multiple times.
A special thanks to David That Blue Jeans Guy for making me laugh for 46 minutes straight after we recorded on Thurs. : -)
Thanks to all of you who are there for me in prayer, good thoughts, intentional healing and cyber hugs. You are simply the best!

Thank you

With all my love,

Michael

I get the craziest questions when I sell something on Ebay.

So I got this question regarding my ebay auction. Of course this guy is a scammer and up to no good but given that the q's and a's are posted to the actual ebay auction for everyone to see ... what should be my response if any.

Well at least he made me laugh...


Q: Hi there hey guy i was wondering if you could help a poor guy out? A couple of weeks ago my house was broke into and they got me for my brand new ps3, my lap top and some other things which in all was about $5000 US dollars and i didnt have any insurance! I am on disability and dont have alot of money because i am on a budeget! So i was wondering if you would sell me one of these for $400 I only have about $450 all together to try and replace my system! Thanks Terry

4 years ago today

I had been coming back from trips to all my favorite places like San Francisco, New York and Chicago and while unpacking I kept getting the feeling that something was off in the house. The air was different... the smells and the mood of the space was just not right. My home base is in Pasadena and like most of us homeowners I tend to know when something is out of place. I couldn't put my finger on it exactly but I was just sure that something or someone had been in the house. This would not be unusual given that my family and friends have keys and often come and go whenever they please but my house had always felt welcoming and this was different somehow. For about 3 months I let this nagging feeling in the back of my mind go unchecked and unanswered. Oh sure I would occasionally ask a friend if they had left a toothbrush at the house or had raided or in some cases stocked the fridge but no one ever copped to it. I didn't consider it too serious so I just let it go over time.

One night after flying from NYC to Los Angeles I was very tired and nodded off in the car. I got a phone call from my neighbor who said that someone was walking my dog off the leash and she knew I wouldn't like that. She couldn't tell me who it was because it was dark but she just thought she'd inform me because my dog had already almost got hit by a car when he got out of the yard and off leash. I thanked her and hung up and started calling the few people I knew who agreed to take shifts with my dog Max and all of them said it wasn't their day and to call Sam. So I rang Sam up and he said that he took Max out all afternoon and even back to his beach house for more than half the day. But he had dropped him off about 3 hours ago knowing that he would be fine in the house until my flight got in.

Hmmm okay thanks I said without telling him about the neighbors call. She must have just thought she saw my dog. The car pulled up to the house and Max was in the front window to greet me as usual. This made me relax and forget about what seemed more and more to me like just nonsense and a very bad case of miscommunication.
I spent 15 minutes with Max and then hit the shower. I threw my bags on the bedroom floor and stripped on the way to the bath. My big goofy dog stuck by my side down the hallway as I tried to shield my twig and berries from his massive swinging tail because he's racked me in the nuts on more that one occasion and that's a lesson you don't forget.

He laid on the floor while I showered and dried off and then together we walked into the bedroom. I found some very soft shorts to sleep in and was just dying to crawl into bed and nod off. I checked all the doors and windows and made sure Max had food and water then I hauled my tired ass back up stairs to my bedroom and turned out the light.

This was back in the day when I was addicted to ambien... and a new version I was on trial with called ambien CR. So when I was ready and ONLY when I was ready to sleep I took one of those hard ass pills and could feel myself pull away from this world.

It was about 3am when I awoke from a dream. A dream where I felt someone had crawled into bed with me and held me. My mind quickly filled in all the blank spots and created a back story of the perfect relationship. I gave myself over to that moment because it felt so fucking real. It felt really good because at that point in my life it had been a very long time since I had been held by anyone. I held on tight and remember thinking I don't want to let go. I was half awake and half asleep struggling to be one or the other. It was then that a sense of dread came over me, kind of like when you wake from a nightmare. Then I think I drifted off to sleep again just as Max woke me up with his growling. It was about 4:30 as I turned toward the clock and put my hand on the floor to quiet the dog. Then I heard a noise in the bathroom and saw that the light was on. Instantly I was wide awake and completely in panic mode, heart racing a hundred miles per hour. I got out of bed with Max in tow and walked past the bathroom door and down the stairs. I didn't look back because I didn't want to see who was there. I grabbed my cell off the kitchen counter and ran out the front door while I dialed 911. The police were there in 8 minutes flat. I flagged them down from 4-5 houses down the street. I explained that someone was in my house and although I was on sleeping pills I could swear this person crawled into bed with me at one point. I could see from their reaction that admitting I was on sleeping pills was not the smartest thing to do. They went into my house with guns drawn and after what seemed like forever they came out with a man I had never seen before. A good looking older man maybe in his mid 40's. (You have to remember I was only 36 so to me... that's was older.)

They put him in a car and then asked me if I knew him. I said I didn't and of course they didn't believe me. I saw where that conversation was going and I called my lawyer.

After days of questioning and fuzzy stories it turned out that this man we will call John Rivers had been stalking me for 14 months. He had spent nights in my LA home when I was out of town and even slept in my bed, ate my food and apparently even walked my dog.
"Mr. Rivers" became obsessed with me and my photography 14 months earlier when he attended a show in Silverlake that featured my work." He said we went on a date but we never had and at one point he told a detective that he knew I was communicating to him through my photos. I'm getting a little sick just writing this.
He had a gun in his car which was parked on the street. Police later found a knife in the kitchen that did not belong to me.
The trial went on for almost a year and when it was finally over the jury found him guilty of B&E, intent to cause bodily harm, theft,assault with a deadly weapon and a list of other things. They found things in his apartment that were straight out of a movie and some of those details I asked my lawyers to spare me. There were things I didn't need to know and was not present for at trial. In the end he got almost 6 years and was eligible for parole in 2. That parole hearing was today. I showed up not knowing how I was going to feel when I looked at Mr. Rivers in the face. I was nervous but more that that I was pissed because that morning over the phone I was informed that although we thought he was not allowed internet access the entire time he was in, he did in fact have access to the WWW 3 times a week.

I tore my agent and manager new assholes because if I had listened to them 2 years ago I would have left up my websites as well as my whole internet presence and he would have known everything I was doing including events I was scheduled to attend well in advance.

I disappeared out of fear for my life and for my family's safety and it turns out I did exactly the right thing. I trusted my instincts. Well today "Mr. Rivers" was denied parole but is eligible in another year. So today I consider a victory for myself.

This is the first time I've ever written about it... mostly because I legally couldn't but at least here I can sort of tell the story without giving away all the real details and identities. I feel better. Thanks for reading. If you have any questions feel free to comment.


Oh and in case you are wondering if I'm traumatized or if you should treat me any different now that you know this... The answer is no. My therapist and I made a decision right after it happened that I should see every single slasher/stalker movie I could get my hands on. We decided that I should immerse myself in what was then my very worst fears and meet them head on. I knew that if I didn't saturate my emotions and senses with that kind of violence then I would forever walk around being afraid of every single noise I heard... of every car that I feel has followed me for too long. I didn't want to live my life like a scared mouse. I didn't get into the specifics of knowing that this man was holding me in my own bed while I was in and out of sleep because of the ambien You cannot imagine what that has done to me but I'm getting better because that is still being dealt with in therapy.

I can get past all the other stuff he was going to do because I never saw the knife and I never saw the gun or what was in his apartment or for that matter I never really saw his face in my house. I felt his warm body against mine and was trapped there. That was the worst part of it for me. That was the worst thing he could do to me because to this day I don't know for sure if that happened or if it was a dream. To this day I'm still questioning whether or not that specific part really happened.

Thanks for reading....again.

Michael

Sometimes... people can be amazing creatures who just allow themselves to feel life.

Earth Day 2009 is TODAY

Please Participate. It really is the LEAST we could do.

It Was Friday Night

I'm laying back and settled deep into the plush leather seats of the neon filled stretch limo. There are 12 other people invading my space here. All of them laughing, drinking and fornicating. They are over there on that side and I'm most comfortable being alone here in the back. An occasional glance and a warm smile assure them that I am still there and still having a great time. Their guilt is eased. Each time I refill my glass there is a slight uproar and a little chiding. They take turns spitting out phrases and tossing them around to assure themselves that yes they are still cool and hip and yes they are all so very beautiful and no, Michael... you are not going to die. "Drink some more red wine" they say, and I do. This makes them happy which in turn, makes me happy.
Nathan is giving Matthew the blowjob of his life and I couldn't care less. I chuckled remembering that Auntie Vera and I know how to properly use that phrase... also one of my pet peeves. Funny though, a month ago my pet peeve would have been that Nathan always angles his head in such a way that I am unable to see Matt's penis slide down his throat. That was last month. Tonight I'm on edge, wondering if a broken heart is in my cards. I'm twittering to escape. To escape from my dear dear friends who I've known for 20 years and running away and towards my internet friends whom I've never actually met. My twitter friends. The friends that don't really know me and therefore don't expect me to be perfect or the life of the party. Those friends just like me for me. I don't owe them a good time. I take photos of my friends doing what they do and how they do it. They notice but don't get angry, in fact they are really into it until they realize I only have my iphone and that the pics are going to be shitty at best. "Did you bring one of your cameras from home"? Laura says in her half drunk voice. "Uh, no Laura I didn't think about it... sorry". "WHY NOT"! "Well I didn't think carrying around a 5,000 dollar camera at the Mayan was an especially bright idea." I hear her whisper to Scott "Michael's crabby huh"?

No, I'm not crabby... I'm broken. I love you but I'm broken and I've got to fix myself.

My house is the first stop. Oh God please drop me off first. "Do you want one of us to stay with you tonight? or all of us" ? asks David.

I pause and out of courtesy I act as if I'm thinking about it. Then I gently say "No, No thanks guys. I'm feeling much better and I could use the quiet and calmness, it's been a crazy night"
David looks at me sideways and says "Ok, call ya in the morning" He kisses me on the lips and I can taste the grape vodka. I lick my lips as he walks back to the car.

I wave goodbye to the absurdly long car as I hear multiple voices yell out goodnight and sweet dreams from within. It pulls out of my driveway and enters the dark cold street as it silently speeds away.

I instantly feel relieved. I am now alone and I know the driver will get them all home safely. What I needed was alone time tonight but what I did was go clubbing until 3am in order to make my friends feel better. Feel better about me and about themselves and their own mortality.

I shower and collapse naked on the bed. I run my left hand over my damp chest and find my heart. I knock on my chest 3 times. No answer but I can feel it pulse in my fingertips. The dogs fly into the room and find their spot on the comforter. I turn up the electric blanket to 7 for them. I reach over and take a baby aspirin and a drink of water, turn out the bed lamp and stare at the ceiling.

Are you broken Michael?

Yes, Yes I am. But... I can fix this.

You Are Beautiful...

I'd like to send out a big thank you to all the podcasters that I have listened to over the past year and also to all my twitter friends. You've made me laugh, cry, reflect, engage and sometimes you just made me angry.
Thank you for all your hard work and dedication to podcasting and online communication. Thank you for being part of my community.

To me, you are all very beautiful... in every single way.

Don't ever forget that.

With much love and thanks,
Michael Sage.

This song is dedicated to all of you and specifically to Michael Falletti for what he is personally doing for this world.




For Mary,Arthur,Big Fatty,Eric,JMH,Rob L.,Sara D., Melanie,Jerry,Patrick,Stacy,Justin,Deena,Jon,Ragan,Todd,Mike H.,Tim C.,Sara,Brook,Wes,Ryann,Wil W.,Joel L.,Daniel P., Daniel B., Luke,Wanda,Kandi,Mandi,Robert,Kim,Nick T., John O.,Michael C, Kevin B,Diane, Ricky,Tom,Mark,Tim,Anthony,Ramble,Archerr,Anthony,Troy,Taber,Will R.,Derek,Nessa,Christian,Brian,Dave M. David,Scott,Luciana,Chip,Jonathan,Lauren,Danielphillip,Sandy,Noah,Patrick,Toby,Becca N.,Vera,Ryan, Jason,Walter,Holly and many many many many many many many more.